MAD GRAD DAD

untitled portrait

Posted on August 5, 2021 Leave a Comment

https://mintable.app/art/item/untitled-reddit-gets-drawn/KlYQDlYFV5gzMfx

untitled portrait

Posted on August 3, 2021 Leave a Comment

ipad pro 9.7, apple pencil, procreate, 2021

https://mintable.app/art/item/untitled-reddit-gets-drawn/mkNziX6uHIOWuI-

Manic Episode 4: Idea #45

Posted on August 1, 2021 Leave a Comment

In my last post I wrote about maintaining an emergency kit or an emergency shopping list for sensory soothing products that really help me get by when I am manic. I have now created a fairly comprehensive list of products on my Amazon account for this purpose. My intent is not that I would actually use Amazon to order the items, because it would take much longer than a local purchase, but it’s just a safe and convenient place to keep a list where I won’t lose it. The next time that I begin elevating to a dangerous degree, I can just print the list and go buy them, or ask someone to do it for me. I won’t post the whole list here, but here are the top five items: peppermint and lavender essential oils, Ice Breakers Ice Cubes peppermint gum, Icy Hot pain relief cream, Spindrift sparkling water, and a big jar of Mezzetta Pepperoncinis. Brands don’t matter, these were just the ones I used last time.

Now for the thought for this week, Idea #45:

“…could I ask my dad for $4 to rent Master & Commander?”

Short thought, but definitely another keeper… let me explain.

Excessive spending is an extremely common problem that comes with being in a manic state. Luckily for me, my experiences with out-of-control spending have been relatively minor. I have made quite a few impulsive purchases over the course of my manic episodes. But compared to others, who have purchased $30,000 cars that they can’t afford, my purchases have not caused any real financial damage to me or my family.

Regardless of my experiences in past manic episodes, I still need to remain vigilant and prepared for my future episodes. I am doing the work now, by establishing safeguards to keep me from doing foolish things like buying a car I can’t afford, because every episode is different. Maybe I will feel like I “need” to in the future. I can’t expect the best, if I don’t prepare for the worst!

The thought above, about asking my dad for $4 to rent a movie, is part of my current strategy to control my own impulse spending when manic. I do not make any financial decisions, big or small.

In my most recent (fourth) manic episode (2020), I did very well to control my spending. The very moment that I identified that I was elevating, I immediately yielded all of my cards and cash, my computer, and my phone or any other way I could spend money, over to my family. Then, when my period of highest risk had passed, my family and I decided that I could have them back in my custody, because my risk of impulse spending was minimized. Even then, I was still very careful with any small normal purchases. I did not make any purchases of anything without telling someone first.

In my third manic episode (2020, about 18 months ago), my dad helped me get through it. He would help escort me to whatever I needed to do throughout the day, and just hung out with me when I was at home and in recovery. One thing we did together, to fill the uncomfortably dilated time, was watch the excellent 2003 nautical film, Master & Commander. When I was manic just a few months ago, I felt like I wanted to watch it again because of the good memory I have from enjoying it together with my dad. Despite the well-executed high action of the film, watching it was a soothing memory to revisit in my state. The only problem was that it was not available on my current streaming services, and only for rent via Amazon. I really wanted to watch, but it was a purchase that I would have had to make, and I REALLY didn’t want to spend any money without someone else knowing about it. Now, we are talking about $4. Not $30k. To me, it doesn’t matter.

Instead of scratching the itch I had to click the purchase button on the rental, I paused long enough to call my dad, tell him what was on my mind, and ask him for $4. Although he was a little confused about the request, it wasn’t an outrageous thing to ask for, and he was very happy to be able to help me out with something we enjoyed together. It was a little ask, with little risk, but it made a big impact to my mental recovery and my feelings of being supported by my family.

This habit of not making any purchasing decisions while manic, big or small, is something that I want to bring along with me future episodes.

See you next week!

get hA.I.ku

Posted on July 31, 2021 Leave a Comment

a will-o-the-wisp
she follows me everywhere
“You should get a cat.”

Written and curated by Mad Grad Dad. Images rendered by big sleep AI.

https://mintable.app/Art/item/untitled-haiku-2021/uRDyUkXM5OwfRxZ

My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #4

Posted on July 29, 2021 Leave a Comment

as I sank my teeth
into a fat burrito
sunshine squirted out!

Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.

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Manic Episode 4: Idea #122

Posted on July 25, 2021 2 Comments

In my last manic episode (E4), I wrote down this thought:

“…make a list of my top compulsions, and 1) record which senses they are related to, 2) identify potential risky behaviors that are associated with them 3) and draft another list of what alternative non-destructive behaviors/products could be used to ‘scratch the same itch… So like right now, doing something like smoking a cigarette would probably feel good, and provide stimulation to my mouth and tongue in a soothing way. This is obviously a long-term risky behavior. Instead of something like that, I find that having a drink of something with some sensational element is good enough, like large quantities of very hot coffee (decaf) or ice cold and/or carbonated water… …now, it helps that I don’t smoke in the first place. But I totally understand that if I was already a smoker, being in a manic state would lend itself to behaviors such as chain smoking… it’s a relief that I am satisfied with Folgers and Spindrift.”

This idea is definitely a keeper.

As I wrote above, I am not a smoker, but I will ask the ‘Bipolar support group’ on Facebook about their experiences. My expectation is that they smoke way more when manic. I would also not be surprised if I get some responses about smoking weed too, I think I understand why that might provide some mental relief to a manic mind. We’ll see what they say.

Knowing that I crave sensory stimulation when I am manic gives me an easy task to do, as I prepare for my next manic episode: Keep a shopping list of certain products that are easy to get when I recognize that I am entering mania. That way, as soon as my next episode starts, I can just go to the store or send a friend and have those options available to me as quickly as possible.

Before my next post, I’ll make that list and share what’s on it.

See you next week!

get hA.I.ku

Posted on July 24, 2021 Leave a Comment

a cat gone missing
she has found another home
far away from here

Written and curated by Mad Grad Dad. Images rendered by big sleep AI.

https://mintable.app/art/item/untitled-haiku-2021/HxMTcdaN1ay9lfu

My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #3

Posted on July 23, 2021 Leave a Comment

my prayers expanded
to fill in all of the cracks
in an empty room.

Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.

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Manic Episode 4: Idea #165

Posted on July 19, 2021 Leave a Comment

Follow-up from last time: I successfully revisited five ideas from my monster E4 idea list, and created posts about them for future use. Win!

In my last manic episode (E4), I wrote down this thought:

“What are you drawn to while manic? Is it something low risk: K-Pop (for me, at least), High Risk: Religious Radical Extremism (NOT for me). Know the difference between the act of obsession, and the focus of the obsession. The problem is not the acts of the cognitive obsession itself, but what the effect it has on the rest of the person, their functioning, or behaviors that put people at risk… if handled well, can they achieve ‘Freedom of Obsession?'”

This is a good one. A safe thought. Has merit.

My thought of “Freedom of Obsession” is something I want to continue to develop. It is meant to be a twist on “Freedom of Expression”, the generalized concept of “Freedom of Speech”.

From the inside, obsession feels SO GOOD! When I have an obsession (as I do right now, with my nft art project), there is a selfish relief that comes with always knowing exactly what I want to do with every hour of the day. I don’t need to make many decisions, because I only want to do one thing the whole time. In my current obsession, I just want to make more art, then more, then more. If history is any guide, I will burn out on it in about two weeks… time will tell. The obvious downside is if obsession leads to neglect of others or more important, urgent things. In my case, I am obsessed, but I am not being neglectful, so I will not try to stop myself from owning my current state of obsession.

The bit about religious radical extremism I mentioned above is much more complicated. The phenomena of religious or political self-radicalization of individuals have played a part in mass shootings, bombings, and terrorist acts over the last 25 years. My opinion is that those affected by this phenomenon may simply be obsessive people by nature (people just like me? probably), but in a vacuum of ethical guidance and mentorship, they get led down a path to their own destruction by those who would exploit them for their own purposes. I don’t think I am going to develop this idea much more than that. Maybe I’ll come back to it. Maybe I won’t.

See you next week!