My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #13
Posted on September 29, 2021 Leave a Comment
as though flashing gems
submerged in murky waters
—stars shining through clouds.
Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.
My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #12
Posted on September 22, 2021 Leave a Comment
crescented slices
of orange, yellow, green fruits
sinking in liquid
Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.
Manic Episode 4: Idea #19 “Gripnote”
Posted on September 19, 2021 Leave a Comment
As I listed and detailed in this post about doing laundry as slowly as possible, I listed some problems that I regularly have when I am manic. This week’s idea is one that would require a lot of work and learning, software and hardware, but there might be something to it.
The problems that this idea could help me out with are #3, restlessness, and #4 racing thoughts. I wrote this idea out in the early phase of my episode, and I was still quite high, as the antipsychotic was still building up in my system to bring me down. As such, I ramble a bit in what I wrote about the idea, but I think this idea has some teeth, if I really want to give it a shot and develop the product.
Here’s what I wrote:
“Product Idea: One handed stimmy keyboard… can allow someone to take notes, or write back to texts without looking at their phone, or using voice commands, but incoming texts can be read out (probably best with headphones) (ANNES TYPING DICTATION SOFTWARE…?) that tells you what you are writing along the way…. THIS COULD JUST BE AN ASSISTIVE DEVICE for blind or non-speaking people, or people in the hospital or something???
At pitch, don’t even say a word, just run the words on to a screen (a wearable screen?) but also on the projector to show my typing …. a totally silent pitch …. or like a daftpunk scrolling marquee, lol??)
As I said, pretty all over the place. Here are some more sober thoughts about the idea, and how it could solve my problems.
Like all others who experience mania, I have too many thoughts in my head. This can help me get them out.
I need to get them out. When I can, I write them down, but it’s really hard to sit still and bang them out.
During my fourth manic episode, to deal with restlessness, I went on frequent walks around my neighborhood on a ~30 minute loop two or three times a day. But something that would happen on these walks is that I would still be under a barrage of ideas and I would need to get them out. The Notes app on my phone is where I would put them. So as to not put myself at risk of getting run over while crossing the street I would stop when I needed to so I could look down at my phone and jam out the idea. Then I kept walking.
What I really wanted during these walks was a one-handed, pocket-sized, keyboard that I could use, while walking, to get my ideas out, also without having to look down at my phone along the way.
There are some one-handed keyboards out there, but most of them are for gaming utility. They do not solve this specific problem of typing text on a phone, one-handed, without looking. Also, most of them are wired, to be used on desktops or laptops, not a phone. Maybe there is a market opportunity here?
Here are some initial ideas about how I would start the creation process of the product, and some of the features it should have.
What is it: A one-handed keyboard that allows users to quickly input notes, or other short text inputs, into their phone (or computer) without looking at the screen.
Basic design: A small, easily grippable, avocado-shaped module with five buttons, one for each finger.
Interface: By using input keystroke sequences like tapcode, or other such chords of multiple keys at once, users would be able to quickly learn how to input strings of letters/spaces. The device may or may not have a backspace/delete keystroke. The idea is to just be able to get ideas out quickly, making the sacrifice of accuracy for the sake of speed. The notes could then be reviewed, corrected, edited on the phone/computer later. This device is not for writing a dissertation, it’s just for jamming out ideas rapidly.
Programming: Given what I know about coding, I am fairly certain that I could write a very simple python program to accept the tapcode input and translate into the 25 english alphabetical characters it would require, as well as combos for the ‘spacebar’ and ‘delete’ keys. This might be a good zero-cost first step for me to take in the creation process. It would be easy to use as a basic demonstration to others about the idea, before I get myself mired in hardware considerations. I expect I would need some help with the hardware.
So how would I go about creating a hardware prototype? I think my first step would be to learn more about how to create and program an Arduino. I have heard from some engineering/computer science students that it is a pretty neat, simple, and flexible hardware device that can be programmed fairly easily without an electrical engineering background. I looked into it a little bit, and there are a ton of tutorials on SkillShare, as well as on YouTube, of course.
Hardware considerations: It would need to be able communicate with a phone via bluetooth. This would require a bit more specialized hardware. Luckily Arduino’s got me covered.
Could this product be a visually-impaired assistive device?
I have some other ideas about this project, but I’ll keep them to myself for now. This idea is a keeper, and may very well be the root of a future obsessive phase of mine. Time will tell.
See you next week!
My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #11
Posted on September 15, 2021 Leave a Comment
shuffle black squirrel!
and scuffle! hunching, munching
sniff, scurry and scratch!
Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.
Manic Episode 4: Idea #213 “The Social Nukeworks”
Posted on September 12, 2021 Leave a Comment
During my 4th manic episode, I had this idea:
“Trust yourself enough to nuke your social networks, and start over by texting your direct contacts to rebuild. Refine and Regrow. Let the power of wildfires and earthquakes and floods power your network and connections? Burn it down and trust yourself and bet on yourself in your ability to be able to regrow. You have brand new opportunity to catch new people in your orbit. Trust in yourself in your ability to regrow your dendrites, brain plasticity is an incredible phenomenon, and it is regrowing connections, as though they were never there.”
…hmm… this one I’m not too sure about in it’s validity for the real world or for other people… seems a bit out there… …do remember, I was still manic when I had this idea…
But, the inspiration for this though came from my own nuking of my own social networks after my third, very rocky, manic episode at the beginning of 2020 (even before the shitstorm of the pandemic began!). Maybe there is still something to learn here.
My third episode was rough. For me, and for everyone around me. If I am to boil down the main problem that I dealt with that time was this:
I believed I was in control of myself, and I was not.
Over the course of my third manic episode, I posted and shared a lot of stuff online that betrayed the trust of those around me. There is lot more to say about that experience, but I am not going to explain how it all played out in this post, if ever on this blog. Let’s get a coffee or a beer sometime and I’ll talk you through it.
After I had regained actual control of the situation, and after doing lots of damage to my relationships with my family,
I decided to nuke all of my social accounts.
(okay… well, not all of them. Reddit survived the purge, but I didn’t post any of my manic stuff there during the episode).
And when I say nuke. I mean nuke-nuke, to the roots. Not suspend or any pseudo version of closing my accounts to be revived later. I mean I went deep, deep into the secret locations and labyrinthine dungeons of the account settings, communed with the unholy digital devil trinity of Zuckerberg, Pichai, and Nadella, and performed the requisite cabalistic ritual sacrifices that are required of mortals to validate that yes, I do indeed, want to forsake and banish my accounts eternally.
Maybe the move to nuke everything was a bit drastic, but hey, it happened, and I dealt with it.
I am now, finally, getting back into social.
As you can tell by my menu bar. But I am doing it very differently this time. For the most part, I am creating my social accounts under my blog-titular pseudonym, Mad Grad Dad. My family is much more comfortable with this approach.
I think that staying away from social accounts was the right thing to do, for a time. In the 15-month span between my third and fourth manic episodes (all of which was during the pandemic) I was able to get better in touch with what was important for me to share with others in person or online.
However, after a while, I was far too lonely with only my thoughts and feelings about living with bipolar. I only had two or three significant people in my life that I could really talk to about my condition openly, which is far too little. I needed to recreate my online existence. The prime evils of Zuckerberg, Pichai, and Nadella opened their arms wide to accept me into the cabal again.
So I created a flight of new accounts to seek out the online bipolar community. My hope is to be a leader in the bipolar online space, but obviously that will take some time. For now, I am just happy to be a part of the ongoing conversations, and to commiserate with the rest of the online bipolar tribe.
And here is a great upside to my necessary online rebirth:
Starting over is one of my favorite things to do.
This has been a blessing and a curse of mine, but let’s just focus on the upsides for now. I get high on new projects (in a good way, usually). The novelty of it all and the opportunities to learn new things and develop my skills are so just so much fun. The state of social media has changed very much since my last entry to all of the outlets that exist now. I never got much into twitter in the past, and given the changes to facebook that have happened over the last 15 years, there was plenty of new stuff to learn about getting started again.
So I jumped in to twitter, facebook, instagram, and reddit (a new, fresh, and shiny account) with both feet, no longer as _____, but as Mad Grad Dad.
Whether I prescribe others to nuke their accounts is debatable. But, I can tell my story about how it worked out for me. See you next week!
My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #10
Posted on September 8, 2021 Leave a Comment
how sin inhibits
my experience of joy
— benighting my soul!
Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.
Manic Episode 4: Idea #205 “Boring People”
Posted on September 5, 2021 Leave a Comment
During my 4th manic episode, I had this idea:
“Let boring people do the boring stuff. Right now, you are manic, and as such, a VERY confident, obsessive, and interesting person. Do interesting stuff! When you are elevated (AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL KEEPING EVERYONE PREP-SAFE, without following the sirens to your doom and as long as you can mitigate major risks) make art, write a song, map out your dreams, do all the things that you are compelled to do (the safe, low-risk things)… don’t try to force yourself to do the boring things that you can let yourself off the hook from doing until you become a normal, boring person again.”
There is a lot going on here. First, a few things to set aside for later… first, what do I mean by PREP?
What do I mean by PREP-safe? I’m not going to expand on it at length in this post, because the PREP idea deserves at least 4-16 of it’s own posts to really get into the concepts behind it. I’m planning out a series on it for later. But here is the idea in brief.
The point of the PREP idea is to solve a big problem that those of us with bipolar disorder all grapple with: We live lives characterized by higher levels of risk than those who do not have bipolar. Our lifelong condition is guaranteed to affect us personally, in every relationship we have, as we handle our finances, and in our careers. Our lifelong condition is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. So what can we do to take responsibility and protect ourselves and our families? PREP is the acronym I am using for a set of tools and techniques to identify, organize, and mitigate our unique risks, BEFORE our next manic episode, covering these four areas of our lives; Physical, Relational, Economical, and Professional.
Okay, so that’s PREP in a nutshell. Stay tuned for when I come back to it later. Maybe sooner than later.
Now back to Idea #205: Let boring people do boring stuff.
I think that in my non-manic state, I appear to be a pretty ‘normal’ person.
I pay my bills. I do laundry. I cook. I game. I clean. I write. I doomscroll on reddit.
And when I am doing these things, I generally feel good about them, but they are in NO WAY very interesting to watch or share with others. It’s rote stuff. It’s just the everyday plebeian work and recreation that is done by normal people with families and professions. It’s boring stuff, for a boring, non-manic, person to do.
When I am manic, I feel far more interesting.
I feel very differently than ‘normal’ or ‘average’ or ‘boring’.
Everything around me is vibrant and interesting.
I love to jump all-in to things, obsess about them, and become a 3-day expert about something I have not had any experience with prior to going manic. I feel incredibly confident and charismatic. I am able to explain ideas with conviction and excitement on a higher level than I can usually manage.
Some of what I experience may be just that, my own internal experience.
I cannot say whether those around me feel the same way about my level of charisma or how well I explain things, but I certainly feel like a far more interesting person to be around when I am manic (as long as I am keeping myself and others PREP-safe).
What I do know is that other people with bipolar also experience the same feelings of heightened creativity and energy when manic. It’s a very common experience we have together. I think that we can and should ride the wave of our mania, when it can be steered to non-destructive ends.
When I am manic, I don’t force myself to do boring stuff.
Instead, I channel my efforts on safely getting through the manic episode by making sure I am getting enough sleep, working with my professionals on my meds (a personal choice), recording my fun and interesting thoughts, NOT posting on social media (another personal choice), and creating non-destructive stuff.
I don’t beat myself up about what I am incapable of doing at that time. The normal stuff is impossible anyway, and much worse, they are boring. Leave that for my boring self to attend to, when that self returns. And/or, ask others to help with them. Admit that you cannot do the normal, boring stuff.
If I have successfully mitigated the risks to myself and my family physically, relationally, economically, and professionally BEFORE my manic episode comes, I can safely and responsibly enjoy the upsides of mania and let my creativity run wild.
I’ll keep this idea for later. That’s all for now.
See you next week!
French Toast Inferno
Posted on September 2, 2021 Leave a Comment
That Sinking Feeling
Posted on September 2, 2021 Leave a Comment
https://mintable.app/art/item/That-Sinking-Feeling-No-subtitle/L5R4f0zfyh09ADp
My Brother’s Haiku: Low Brow #9
Posted on September 1, 2021 Leave a Comment
graciously given
me in prayer is the coloured
fabric of the world.
Written by Michael Wallick. Images rendered by big sleep AI. Curated by Mad Grad Dad.
MAD GRAD DAD 